


Walking a Tightrope

by KevinLikesCarrots (SpiderButler)



Series: Written In The Scars On Our Hearts [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Zayn is still in the band, most of this was written at midnight, this is a lot longer than planned, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 04:43:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13967562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiderButler/pseuds/KevinLikesCarrots
Summary: Louis will wait forever if he has to.





	Walking a Tightrope

**Author's Note:**

> This took a lot longer than expected, so sorry for the wait! I hit writer's block so many times, but here we are.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and please comment, letting me know what you think!
> 
> The title is from the Greatest Showman.
> 
> P.S Always accepting prompts. x

 

Louis waits. 

He’s already lost Liam in more ways than he can count, so he is reluctant to let him out of his sight, as if he will disappear in a puff of smoke the second he does. It’s not such a ridiculous concept, the way Liam sits in his hospital bed looking so frail the slightest breeze could make him crumble into dust. When the 5SOS boys aren’t there he sits so still he could be a statue, staring without focus. So Louis sits in the hard plastic waiting room chair and waits.

 

* * *

 

Liam thinks.

The long hours stretching through the night leave little else to do, and so he lies in his bed and stares at the ceiling as the words and images pass through his head. It’s around the third night that the irony of the situation hits him. He’s _fine_ \- every morning he wakes up (he manages an hour or two a night), and he eats when they place the food in front of him (he can’t bring himself to _want_  it), and he sits in the bed and lives every second of every day, and simultaneously that’s what makes him the least fine he’s ever been in his life. He thinks about what living really is; a year ago living was the rush of the shows and laughing with the boys, and soft kisses shared with Louis, squeezed into a one-person bunk. Now, living is simply the fact that he is alive. Little really matters- today 5SOS will visit, and they’ll tell him stories and make him laugh and bring him presents, all the while with that desperate look in their eyes, and then they’ll leave when Lara the nurse tells them they ‘really have to now’ and she’ll bring Liam dinner and he’ll eat and then he’ll pretend to be asleep when she comes back to take the tray and then he’ll lie there and think until exhaustion takes him, and then he’ll wake up and do it again.

He sometimes wonders if Lara knows he’s pretending- he knows he’s being monitored every second of every day (‘they do it to all suicide patients, mate,’ Ashton shrugged), and so surely she must. But she never stops him, and Liam is thankful for that.

He turns his head slowly to look out the glass window that opens onto the private waiting room, and he is there, just as Liam expects him to be. He’s not sure how Louis managed to convince the hospital staff to let him stay, but he’s been sat there, in that chair since the first night. It’s barely light, the sun only just rising, but he’s there, slumped over, seemingly asleep. He doesn’t ever come in, and Liam doesn’t ask him to, but still he sits, and waits. Liam’s sure that he must be neglecting a lot of important events and duties, but he’s become a constant, just as Liam has in the bed, and so he falls into Liam’s repetitive routine just as much as any of the rest does. Liam reaches for his phone on the table next to him, blinking as his eyes adjust to the light for the moment. He flicks through his apps for a while, lost for a purpose. He’d deleted the Twitter app, his usual time-passer, a few nights ago. The thoughts had got too loud in his head, and so he’d distracted himself with mindless scrolling when he’d noticed a tweet from the band’s account. 

_Unfortunately Liam will be unable to attend tonight’s premiere on the advise of doctors as he is currently recovering from illness._

Purposefully vague, the fan messages started pouring in soon after, messages of concern and intrigue alike. He'd quickly tapped the retweet button and closed the app, deleting it for good measure. He knows the news of his accident at the show had spread like wildfire, and hopes the fans attribute it to that, rather than doing any serious digging, although he knows how unlikely that is. The parade of police cars and ambulance that had arrived at outside his home that morning were hardly inconspicuous, although someone seems to have done a very good job of burying it, or explaining it away. The lack of the app has taken away his best distraction and now he finds himself aimlessly scrolling until he gives up and goes back to thinking. He scans the tiny squares on his phone, looking for something to pass the time, eventually settling on Photos, deciding the benign task of storage clearing will suit his need for mindless distraction perfectly. Of course, however, as soon as he opens the app, up pops a grinning Louis with a dreamy eyed Liam to match, staring at the man next to him. Liam’s stomach lurches and his heart tightens, but he can’t make his fingers move to dispel it. Instead his eyes roam over the image, every detail seeming foreign and familiar all at once. He stares at the point of contact between them, Louis’ shoulder pressed into Liam’s chest, how easy and unnoticed it is, and how even a metre gap between them now seems _too close_. Liam’s eyes slide over to the huddle in the chair behind the glass, and his heart jumps again when he sees eyes looking back at him.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis can’t move. It’s the first time Liam has acknowledged his presence in who knows how long. He feels a sense of déjà vu wash over him, a gas station, and a sad, confused pair of eyes, sitting in the back of his mind, but still, he looks back. This time he will not be the first to break, the cards being wholeheartedly placed in Liam’s hands. He doesn’t know how long they sit there, Louis’ back aching and Liam’s face dimly lit by the sun filtering in from the curtains and his phone forgotten in his lap. There’s a clatter from outside the door, and Liam’s eyes flick to it and the spell is broken. He doesn’t look back, sliding lower in the bed so he disappears out of Louis’ sight, but it’s enough for him. Louis feels the tiny ember of hope in his heart burst back into a flame and he settles back into the chair with renewed comfort, stretching his legs out in front of him. He’ll sit here forever if Liam will look at him again with such _life_ in his eyes.

It’s another few hours before there’s another stirring in the still air of the room. Lara enters, a tray of food in her hands, eyes flicking over at Louis, as usual. He notices the imperceptible pause in her movement as she notices his change in posture, and Louis thinks he sees the smallest of smiles ghost over her lips before she’s shouldering Liam’s door open and greeting him. The voices fade as the door closes, and Louis settles back for the day, as his own routine begins. 

In an hour visiting hours will begin, and the 5SOS boys will tumble in almost on the dot, they’ll spend as long as they can in that small room, until Lara, or Paul, or their own management have to practically kick them out, and Liam will eat what Lara places in front of him, and then will settle in for the night and Louis will do the same. Lara tried to offer him a bed a few days ago, but Louis politely declined, explaining he’s happy there. Happy where he can see Liam, he doesn’t say, but he thinks she hears it anyway. Louis sometimes thinks Lara must have been an angel in a past life, the way she seems to understand exactly what is needed of her without ever having to ask, and has thanked who or whatever is up there many times that she is who they or it sent to look after his Liam.

At 9:30 Louis hears the telltale chaos of the arrival of the Australian boys, and moments later they enter the room. Michael flashes an almost happy smile at him, and Louis thinks that sums up this situation fairly well. They take turns to exchange hugs and greetings and questions.

‘Did he sleep tonight?’ Luke asks, his eyes flicking to Liam, and back quickly. The man is sitting still again, eyes closed, and Louis’ gaze lingers on him before looking back at the four faces in front of him. 

‘I think so, seemed like a couple of hours this time.’ Louis says, and sees the tension release just a little in the boys’ shoulders.

‘That’s good,’ Calum nods a little. ‘That’s got to mean something, doesn’t it?’

Louis shrugs. No one really knows anything at this point, the doctors don’t say much, but if anyone was going to see a change, it would be the five men standing in this room.

‘We should go in,’ Ashton says, and Louis nods. The curly-haired boy reaches out to squeeze his hand and Louis gives him a small smile in thanks.

They shuffle towards the door, and Louis thinks he sees a collective breath before Michael pushes the door open, and they’re all bouncing and full of energy, and Louis watches as Liam’s eyes open and he can see as clear as day the shift in his posture, how he relaxes into the bed.

Louis is content to observe, to let them bring a soft smile to his face as he watches them pull Liam that little bit more away from the brink each day. He’s beginning to feel the pull of lost sleep when the door to the waiting room sweeps open, and Harry enters. Louis stands, not expecting yet pleased to see his friend.

‘How is he?’ Harry asks, sitting down next to him after he’s wrapped Louis in a tight hug.

‘Better,’ Louis pauses. ‘He looked at me this morning.’

Harry looks at him then, a million questions in his eyes, but Louis just shrugs in answer.

‘He’s getting there. I’m sure he can’t feel it yet, but he is. I can see it.’

Louis doesn’t know how to answer that, so he asks something he’s been thinking about since his friends had to leave that night, to go back to their homes. ‘How have you and the boys been getting on?’ He knows they would all love to have stayed with him, but someone has to do damage control with management, and Louis knows it wouldn’t be possible for the relative peace he and Liam have been left in without their efforts.

‘Everyone generally understands, though that may have something to do with an executive order from Simon to leave us all alone. They’ve mostly been letting us call the shots, which is a nice change.’ Louis snorts at Harry’s wry joke.

‘That’s good I guess.’

They fall into comfortable silence, watching Ashton squeal excitedly as he shows Liam something on his phone and Louis finds himself smiling fondly as he notices the easy ( _real_ ) smile on Liam’s face.

He becomes faintly aware of an insistent buzzing, and looks round to see Harry digging through the pockets of his jacket for his phone. Once he locates it, he answers, putting it on speaker immediately and Zayn’s voice floats out.

‘Hey, Niall said you were going to the hospital. How’s Lou doing?’

‘I’m fine, Zayn, just a bit tired.’ Louis answers for Harry, and his friend gives him a little smile.

‘Oh hey, Lou,’ Zayn says. ‘Any news?’

‘He’s doing ok. I don’t think he’s about to do anything worrying, he’s just…’

‘Yeah,’ Zayn says, ending Louis’ sentence for him. There’s not really a word for what Liam is right now, and they all know it.

‘Do you need us to bring you anything?’ an Irish accent pitches in.

‘That’s alright, Niall, but thanks.’ Louis smiles at his friends care. There’s no reason they should support him- he was the one who got them all here after all.

Harry obviously sees the thoughts in his head, because he places a hand over Louis’, and says ‘We’re all to blame, Lou. It’s not all your fault.’

‘We’re all responsible,’ Niall agrees.

‘Stop beating yourself up, Louis.’ Zayn’s calm voice says. He’s always had this ability to sound simultaneously firm and comforting. ‘Liam needs you to be strong right now.’

Louis knows they’re right, and he sits up a little straighter, pushes his shoulders back.

‘Anyway, Harry, we need you back asap. They’re talking about interviews, and we need to work out what we’re gonna do.’

Harry sighs, running a hand over his face. ‘Yeah, ok,’ He gives Louis’ hand a squeeze and then removes his own. ‘I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

As Louis hugs Harry goodbye his eyes shift to the man in the hospital bed. He just catches Liam’s eyes flicking away, and he feels a small smile grow on his face.

‘Let us know, ok?’ are Harry’s parting words, and Louis nods. The boys are waiting to visit Liam, not wanting to push him after that disastrous first day.

 

* * *

 

 

Liam knows he’s incredibly lucky to have these four shaggy-haired, ripped-band-tshirt-wearing, ridiculous boys in his life, and it’s evermore evident as he feels the tension wash off him as Ashton babbles excitedly about the latest Marvel trailer, and Luke catches his eye with a small smile that Liam knows the blonde thinks is fond but is really smitten, and Michael and Calum roll their eyes because they’re too cool for this bouncy man-child (but they too have that fond twinkle in their eye). It’s easy for Liam to lose himself with these boys, to forget the last few months as if they never happened and just to laugh. To feel _alive._ They’ve all piled onto Liam’s bed and he’s a little concerned that it may collapse under the weight, the way it creaks any time one of them moves, but its comfortingly familiar- they could easily be bundled up in the back of the tour bus, giggling over whatever absurd joke one of them had blurted. Liam feels his eyelids growing heavy with the ease of it, and tries not to smile at the speed with which the boys notice.

‘Do you want us to go?’ Michael asks, already beginning to shift off the bed.

‘Nah,’ Liam leans his head back against the wall, stretching his arms out in front of him. ‘I’m not gonna fall asleep.’

The boys settle tentatively back onto the bed, obviously not wanting to disturb him, _just in case_. He knows Louis must inform them of his non-existent sleep schedule, and whatever else he must see from his perch in the waiting room, and Liam wonders briefly if he’s said anything about their moment this morning. His eyes drift to the man on the other side of the glass, and sees that he’s fallen asleep himself, his legs crossed in front of him and his head tilted against the wall behind him. He looks more peaceful than Liam’s seen him in a long time, and it’s this contrast that makes Liam realize how strained he had looked. The rigidity of his shoulders has melted away, and its almost the face Liam used to watch, when the early light filtered through the curtains of the bus as the other boys snored around them.

Someone nudges his arm, and Liam’s eyes flick back to Calum.

‘He’s trying,’ is all the dark haired boy says, and he holds Liam’s gaze for another second before the moment is broken, and it’s almost like it never happened.

Liam listens easily as the boys resume their chattering, happy to just let it wash over him as he melts back into the bed, feeling the familiar sense of actual _relaxation_  spread through him. It feels like only moments later that Paul steps into the room, and tells the boys that they really need to go, _Liam needs his rest, he’ll still be there tomorrow, time to head off_. They all crowd around him to say their goodbyes, promises of tomorrow and that oh so familiar shoulder squeeze, and then they’re filing out of the room. Liam watches as they head to Louis, who rises to hug them all, but his attention is pulled away by Paul, who settles himself in the seat next to the bed.

‘How you doing, kid?’ The man says, settling back, and Liam does the same.

‘Fine. It’s getting a bit easier,’ he smiles tiredly at Paul and it makes that ember in his heart glow a little brighter when Paul smiles back properly (rather than that concerned, exhausted quirk of the lips Liam has seen for the past few months). Paul is the one person Liam has never been able to hide from, and Liam thinks he must have been very lucky to have met this man.

They sit together for a little while longer, and Paul asks about sleeping and eating and when his family visited and Liam answers honestly. He tells him about what’s been going on in the outside world, tells him that the rest of the band have been working hard to keep Liam out of the papers and trouble. He says it in passing, but it is still heavy in the room, and Liam can see the spark of interest in Paul’s eyes, knows he’s watching for a reaction, and Liam wonders what he expects to find.

‘Anyway, I should get going,’ Paul says, pulling himself to his feet. ‘You get some rest.’

Liam’s eyes involuntarily land on Louis as Paul gathers himself, pulling on his coat and scarf. Some movement outside the room had drawn his gaze and Liam finds himself fixated on the figure resting against the wall, seemingly asleep again. His eyes begin to flutter open, and Liam looks away again quickly. Paul is watching him with a strange look in his eyes.

‘He’s trying, y’know. He may or may not deserve it but… he’s there if you ever want him.’

Liam nods, and gives Paul a small, weak but genuine smile. ‘Thanks… for everything.’

Paul just gives his shoulder a squeeze and it makes Liam’s smile grow a little, the gesture having more significance than he thinks any of them will understand, and he places his own hand over the man’s and gives it a squeeze. Paul’s smile is warm and fatherly, almost like it had been before, and he says another goodbye before he heads out of the room. Louis stands and meets him halfway in the waiting room, and Liam closes his eyes and settles back into the bed. He doesn’t want to think tonight, doesn’t want to have to process that _look_ , or Paul or the boy’s words about Louis, so he welcomes the ever present exhaustion in his bones, and manages to doze, drifting in and out of sleep. The thoughts can wait for tonight.

But they don’t.

 

* * *

 

Louis settles back into his chair. Paul had checked in on him, as he always does, told Louis that Liam was doing a little better, that it would be ok eventually. Louis’ not sure what ‘ok’ will be, but he knows he wants to find out. He’ll do anything for Liam, even if it means letting him go, even if Liam never loves him again, Christ he’d deserve it. But he hopes, hopes that ‘ok’ will allow him back into that man’s heart one day. He’s pulled out of his musings when Lara shoulders the door open, pulling a trolley containing trays of food. 

‘Sorry I’m late!’ She greets Louis, letting out a long huff. ‘We’re a little understaffed on one of the wards.’ She pulls one of the trays off the trolley and hands it to Louis. ‘You wouldn’t be able to take this to him would you.’

Louis’ stomach gives a nervous twist, and he looks at the woman. He sees the twinkle of something in her eyes, but also the dark circles under them, and he nods mutely. He wants to do something to repay her for the kindness she has shown all of them, even if it means putting everything on the line (at least, what feels like it).

She throws him a grateful smile, already pushing her trolley back to the door, and Louis stands there, in the middle of the waiting room, holding this tray, blinking at the empty space where she had been for an unmeasurable length of time. Eventually, he squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath. The lights are off in the other room, and Liam seems to be asleep, and Louis can do this. All he needs to do is walk in, place the tray on the table, and leave. He can do that.

  

* * *

 

 

Liam feels the unfriendly pull of reality, and he sighs as he becomes evermore aware of his surroundings. He had hoped that tonight he may actually get the rest, real rest, he craves, but he can tell through his closed eyelids that it is still dark in the room, and guesses he’s maybe dozed for only an hour or two. He’s briefly considering checking the time when he becomes aware of a voice outside his room. He recognizes it as Lara, and guesses she must be speaking to Louis, although he doesn’t hear his voice. It must be the dinner round then, and Liam keeps his eyes shut, waiting for Lara to place the tray down and leave, as usual. But when he hears the door to the waiting room shut again he peaks one, then both eyes open. Louis is standing alone, looking blankly at the door, holding a tray in his hands. Liam quickly shuts his eyes again, and slips a little further down in the bed when Louis turns to look at him. A few moments later he hears the door to his room hesitantly open, and suddenly Liam is hyper aware of the proximity of Louis to him. The whole room seems to still, and Liam wonders if the other man feels it too. After a second he hears the door close, and wonders if Louis has backed out, but then there’s the softest of footsteps slowly crossing the room, and Liam listens, the seconds growing longer the closer the man gets. He hears the faint sound of plastic as Louis places the tray down on the table next to the bed, and Liam can’t escape the words swimming in his head, Paul and the boy’s voices mixing with his own. The footsteps get halfway back to the door when they stop.

  

* * *

 

 

‘Stay.’

Louis freezes. He’s not sure if he’s heard it at first, or if it’s some sort of hallucination of repressed desperation and exhaustion, but when he turns to look at the man on the bed, he is very much awake. His eyes remain closed, but his body is tensed, his hand gently clenched at his side, and Louis wonders if it’s a testament to how well he knows this man that he can even tell. He shuffles haltingly back towards the bed, pausing for a moment before perching in the chair. Neither of them speak, and Louis inches back into the seat as the minutes pass. He doesn’t know how long it is, but eventually Liam’s breath evens out, and his hand falls limp, and he is asleep. Louis gently pulls his phone out of his pocket, a small smile gracing his lips when he sees the time. Usually it would be hours now until Liam fell into uneasy sleep, and Louis rests back into the chair and closes his own eyes, sleep soon taking him as well.

-*-

He wakes to dim light and nuzzles his face into the soft fabric against his cheek in protest. Slowly, however, consciousness pulls at him and he suddenly remembers the night before. He’s careful not to shoot up, his need to look after Liam automatically counteracting his instinct, and slowly retracts his face from his arms folded on the mattress in front of him. His hand has fallen a hair’s breadth from Liam’s and he’s hit with the desire just to reach out and take it. But he doesn’t. Liam isn’t ready for that yet, and neither is Louis, so carefully, ever carefully, he retracts his hand and folds them in his lap. He takes a moment to look over the peaceful form of the man in front of him, and then he rises, and quietly heads out of the room, cautiously making sure not to disturb Liam. But, the moment the door clicks shut behind him, he can’t help the grin that spreads across his face. He walks back to his chair, the air seeming a little lighter around him and returns to his familiar post.

Lara enters sometime later, a breakfast tray in her hand, and she gives Louis a warm smile when he can’t help but beam at her, curiosity and something else that seems like satisfaction in her eye, as she pushes Liam’s door open. Louis hears the man greet her, and wonders when he woke up- he hadn’t shown any sign of it since Louis had left the room, and Louis contemplates the fact that Liam may have been awake when he left, and his hand twitches at the thought that Liam had allowed them to sit like that, a warmth settling low in his stomach at the thought.

 

* * *

 

Liam’s skin is buzzing. It feels like every inch of him is vibrating, has done since he woke up and felt _his_ warmth in the room. He doesn’t know how long he lay there, just feeling him without ever touching him, but slowly his muscles had relaxed, and Liam had found it was easy to find that peace again, and so he’d lay there until he’d felt Louis stir. He doesn’t know what any of it means but, for the first time in as long as Liam can remember, it doesn’t have to mean _anything_.

When Lara enters the room, right on time, and places the tray down next to him, he pushes himself up into a sitting position and gives her a smile. Her’s grows even wider and there’s a twinkle in her eye that Liam doesn’t understand but he just thanks her, eating greedily as she tells him she’ll be back later to check on him. It strikes Liam mid-mouthful that this is the first time he’s felt _hungry_ , let alone actually wanted food, and the room seems to brighten that little bit more.

When the 5SOS boys bound into the room an hour later, Liam’s eyes flick out the window to see Louis smiling fondly at them. He doesn’t return the look, but he doesn’t run from it either. He knows the four boys around him notice, but none of them says anything, just plopping down on the bed as usual and beginning their chattering and bickering.

Liam can feel it, the energy that runs through his veins and makes him stronger, more alive, and he knows that the others notice that too, but they simply smile wider, like its some sort of challenge. Laughter comes that little bit easier, and Liam notices the absence of the dull ache in his bones, notices how he doesn’t yawn, doesn’t feel the tug of sleep on his eyelids, and thinks that if he’d known that a goodnight’s sleep would have done this much for him he would have tossed back a few sleeping pills weeks ago (not that he would have been allowed them, he thinks belatedly, although this thought doesn’t twist his insides as much as it used to). When it’s time to go, Ashton reaches down and wraps an arm round Liam’s shoulders and soon the other three join and Liam is slightly crushed in this impromptu group hug, somone’s shoulder pressed uncomfortably into his jaw, but he returns it all the same, welcomes its warmth. Touching had been difficult for him for a long time, even with these boys, making him skittish and nervous, but Liam lets himself be engulfed by this, and pleasantly realizes that he barely wants to run.

Paul enters the room, and he looks even more relaxed and cheerful than before, and Liam smiles in greeting, making the man’s face brighten even more, and Liam feels content. The clouds are still there, hanging on the edge of his mind, but they’re that tiny bit smaller.

When Paul leaves, Liam doesn’t shut his eyes, doesn’t carefully steady his breathing. Lara seems surprised when she enters to see him awake (or at least not pretending not to be), and she asks him how he is, about the boys, how he feels, isn’t it nice to have such good friends. He pretends not to notice her eyes flicker to Louis at that last part, but when she exits his eyes follow her figure through the glass to Louis, and he watches as he gives her a smile and they chat a little, and Liam just observes. Louis glances at him a few times, and it’s almost like all those meetings and after-parties before they had announced their relationship when their eyes would find each other across a room, accompanied with a wink or a secret smile. Liam doesn’t shy away, and Louis’ grin grows. When Lara leaves the waiting room, Louis heads back to his seat, and Liam feels his heart sink a little bit. No matter what he feels and thinks, Louis is part of his biology, maybe always will be, and Liam can’t control his body’s reactions to the man. It’s these reactions that spurred him to speak that solitary word last night, the electricity that danced across his skin at the closeness of their bodies.

He looks back up to see Louis watching him. Liam knows that Louis won’t push him, that even if he did there are too many easy escape routes for Liam, and it’s this assurance in Liam that allows him to hold Louis’ gaze, trying to convey with his eyes that ‘it’s ok’. Liam’s not sure what ‘ok’ is yet, just that it is. It seems as if Louis receives the message, because he stands and calmly, slowly (giving Liam time to back out) walks towards the door. He’s as quiet and careful as he was last night as he enters, and he says nothing as he sits in the chair, taking up the same position as last night, and Liam feels the relief spread from his chest. He’s not ready to talk, not sure he wants to yet, but this, whatever it may be, feels right. And so, the two men sit in silence, and slowly Louis falls asleep. He’s properly out by the time Lara enters, and she gives him a little smile as she places the tray in front of Liam and he feels his lips quirk up in response, just a little. He watches Louis while he eats, watched the micro expressions dance across his face in response to whatever dream he’s having, and Liam thinks, lets it all wash over him.

He has time.

 

* * *

 

 

It becomes a routine. When 5SOS have left and Paul has done his customary catch up, Louis enters, always carefully shutting the door with a quiet click and settling himself delicately into the chair. They never speak, but Louis is ok with that. Just being allowed to be here, this close, is enough for him. He closes his eyes, and lets his body slump back. Lara will be in with Liam’s dinner soon, and Louis likes to hear them chat in whispers, not wanting to wake him. Ironically, it had got more difficult to fall asleep, the more sleep he got. After the first few days Louis’ exhaustion had decreased, thanks to the amount of peaceful, extended sleep he had been getting now. He had worried Liam would no longer want him there if he was conscious, and so had quickly shut his eyes that night and pretended to fall asleep almost instantly. He wasn’t sure if Liam knew or not, but he’d continued just the same anyway, so Louis carried on, and found that he rather liked it. He got to hear snippets of Liam’s voice, a sound he hadn’t realized he’d missed so painfully until he heard it, even a laugh once or twice (which did things to his heart that surely weren’t healthy), and eventually he would drift off into a serene, dreamless sleep. He always woke before Liam now (who seemed to be benefitting from the arrangement too), and always made sure to silently exit the room, not wanting to put any more pressure on the man to acknowledge him.

However, tonight was not that easy. It was approaching two weeks of this strange dance between them, and Louis’ body was rebelling against his mind, the combination of less necessity for sleep and the growing electricity sparking between them making it difficult to relax. Louis shifted in his chair as Liam and Lara chatted, hoping if either of them noticed it would be put down to restless dreams rather than the somewhat creepy truth, but found that this position was even less comfortable than before and prepared himself for an intensely difficult night as Lara left. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take Liam long to fall asleep, and then Louis could try to make the best of this situation- there was no way he was leaving this chair, even to avoid the persistent back pain.

It was no more than five minutes later when the dead silence in the room was broken.

‘I know you’re awake.’

Louis’ eyes snap open against his will. He belatedly thinks it may have been smarter to continue his pretense, wonders if Liam is going to kick him out now that he knows, but none of this really matters because Liam has spoken to _him_.

‘You don’t look half so constipated when you’re asleep.’ The man continues, and Louis just blinks at him because is Liam joking? He’s looking at him now, a flicker of uncertainty dancing in his eyes, and Louis thinks ‘now or never’ and dives in.

‘You do.’

Liam huffs, and it’s not quite a laugh, but it’s also not quite _not_ a laugh and Louis feels pride glow in his stomach. 

Silence settles again, and Louis desperately wants to break it, but doesn’t want to _push_ … and Liam speaks again.

‘How’s Niall?’ Louis blinks at him again. The Irishman had popped in today to see Louis, to catch up and to let him know how management and meetings were going, but Louis had thought Liam hadn’t noticed, too distracted by the ever-bouncing Australians in his room.

‘He’s fine. They’re all fine.’ Liam doesn’t say anything, just waits for him to continue, so he does. ‘It’s all calmed down a bit, the press and everything.’

Liam nods. ‘S’pose it’s been long enough now, all the scandals have died down.’

Louis just nods. He’s seen the theories, the rumours about who or what had placed Liam in hospital, and guesses Liam probably has too.

‘Best I heard was that I’d had to have the leg amputated and management are trying to work out an elaborate cover up.’

Louis chuckles. ‘I heard you were pregnant, but the science behind it was questionable.’

Liam really laughs now, and the warmth spreads throughout Louis’ body. It’s easier by the second, the conversation light and Louis slowly softens, getting comfortable into the chair. They trade headlines and conspiracies, until the pauses grow longer and Louis sees Liam’s eyelids begin to droop, and so he gives him his way out, knows Liam would never ask, and slides himself a little lower in the chair and closes his eyes. He just notices Liam’s breathing even out before he falls into unconsciousness himself.

-*-

It’s harder that morning to leave Liam’s bedside, that little step they made last night making the invisible connection between them that little bit tighter, but he does. Everything will be on Liam’s terms, he’d decided that long ago, and he wasn’t going to break it now. He stretches when he stands, feels the muscles in his back protest, and smiles a little at the soreness. He would sleep on a bed of nails if it meant there was a chance he would get Liam back.

-*- 

The next night, Louis enters as soon as Paul leaves, as soon as Liam looks at him, and he settles into the chair. Liam’s eyes are hesitant but his voice isn’t.

‘Apparently there’s a possibility of a sex change now.’ Louis snorts in surprise and can’t control the almost painful laughter as Liam continues, ‘Some people seem to think management want to balance out the genders in the band.’ 

‘So that’s the easiest option, rather than just, y’know, hiring a girl.’

‘I don’t know,’ Liam shrugs. ‘Might upset the harmony of the pre-existing members.’

‘Ah, of course.’ Louis nods, and Liam’s smile reaches his eyes. ‘How could I have been so thoughtless.’

Just like that, the tension wanes, and Louis reclines into the chair, ready for another day of out-ridiculing each other.

-*-

He finds himself scanning his phone for headlines now, scrolling and scrolling through Twitter, Tumblr, anything he can find and taking notes of the most absurd and bizarre theories. He even texts the boys, who all respond with confusion but help all the same, even coming up with a few of their own. It appears Liam is doing the same, as Luke asks him about it one day, looking all the more baffled as Louis just laughs in response. He catches Liam’s eyes and sees a twinkle there as he watches from the other room.

That night, Liam falls asleep without complaint, and Louis is struck by the small progress. He hadn’t trusted himself to sleep in front of Louis before, probably not wanting to be that vulnerable in front of him, and Louis leans back into his chair and watches Liam until his eyelids fall shut too.

 

* * *

 

Liam’s eyes flutter open, and he automatically turns his head to the chair next to the bed. He feels a small sense of disappointment to see that its empty again, but it’s not unexpected. Louis never overstays his welcome, never pressures Liam in any way, still lets him be the first to speak every time he enters the room, and Liam is grateful for it, but it makes the emotions swirling all the more confusing.

One night Liam had woken in the middle of the night, and it had struck him how long it had been since that last happened. He knew, although he wasn’t sure he was ready to admit it, that it was because of the man asleep next to him, and it had struck Liam how easy it would be to just slide back into _them_ , to act like nothing had happened. But there was still rage and pain and hurt simmering in the back of his mind, and the more he thought about it the more he could see the divide between them, could feel the chasm they had to cross before Liam could even really consider them friends.

Lara enters then, interrupting Liam’s reverie.

‘Morning,’ she greets him.

‘Morning,’ he returns.

Comfortable silence settles, and Liam finds it a bit easier to come out of his thoughts.

 -*- 

When 5SOS enters the room an hour later, Liam is sat up cross-legged in bed, scrolling through his phone. He’d seen them arrive, and head over to do their mandatory catch up with Louis, but there had been a shift in Liam, which, now he thinks about it, has been coming for weeks. He no longer feels the need to keep up this pretense that he doesn’t know the boys are speaking to Louis, to avoid acknowledging it. Before, he would have pretended not to notice them until they physically entered his room, as if that was his territory and the waiting room was Louis’, and they functioned as two totally separate worlds (which, to some extent, they had been). Now, he’s perfectly content to wait whilst they chat to Louis, to pass the time until they come to him. They’re Louis’ friends as well, and Liam is truly fine with that. He doesn’t have time to figure out what that means however, because the boys soon tumble into his room, full of their usual enthusiasm for life. He feels rather than sees the pause, but he knows its in reaction to the visible change in him. He looks up from his phone and smiles at them. 

‘Hey.’ He leaves it there, not quite sure how to continue, but it seems to be enough to shake Calum out of his surprise, as he walks further into the room, and settles himself as usual onto Liam’s bed.

‘Hey’, he returns Liam’s smile, and that seems to spur the other three to follow. They make themselves comfortable on the bed and Liam feels the tension he hadn’t noticed melt out of his shoulders.

‘How was the show?’ Liam asks, and its enough to start them off, talking over each other and bickering about their recent show at the O2, and how some girl had thrown her bra onstage, and who it was aimed at.

‘Luke, it obviously wasn’t you, you couldn’t be more gay if you tried.’ Michael shoots and Luke makes a noise of protest, but gets nowhere when the rainbow haired boy continues, ‘Oh please, we’ve all seen the looks, the sexual tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.’ Despite the lack of identification of the person on the receiving end of these ‘looks’, Liam knows they all know who he’s talking about, and his eyes fall on the curly haired drummer to his left, who has a blush dusting his cheeks as he refuses to meet anyone’s eyes.

It causes a bittersweet twist in Liam’s stomach as he remembers the feeling, the shy glances and the not-quite flirting. Louis had always been quite open about it, but it hadn’t been singled just to Liam- he was a shameless flirt as it went anyway, so Liam had spent much of his initial infatuation thinking he was in love with Harry. It hadn’t been until the comments had got a bit more pointed and a bit more specific that Liam had finally caught on. But it seems that, for these boys, this is the first time its even been acknowledged out loud, albeit by somebody else. Liam meets Luke’s eyes as Michael and Calum continue to squabble and gives him a small smile that he hopes says ‘go for it’. He thinks Luke gets it, but he can’t be sure.

They carry on as normal after that, but Liam is sure the furtive looks between the two boys increase and it makes it that much easier to smile and to laugh when Luke shoves Michael off the bed after he tells him that he’s still a baby, he doesn’t understand ‘grown up things’. The look Michael gives him as he’s sprawled on the floor is positively scandalized, and Liam is still cackling when there’s a knock on the door. The five boys turn to look at the door, as Louis sticks his head into the room.

‘Lara asked me to bring you this.’ He tells Liam, and he enters with a tray of food after Liam nods. Silence descends as Louis crosses the room to place the tray on the table next to Liam’s bed, and it strikes him that neither of them has told anyone about their late night chats.

‘Thanks,’ Liam says. Louis gives him a smile, and moves to leave, when Liam makes a snap decision. ‘Do you want to stay?’

The other man freezes for a split second, his eyes flicking to the four boys watching the interaction intensely, but something like resolve hardens in his eyes and he just flops into the chair as if it’s the most normal thing in the world (which its beginning to be).

He pushes the table in front of Liam, and Liam starts to eat, beginning to feel uncomfortable in the silence. Louis clears his throat and says something that Liam misses he’s so caught up in his forced focus on his food but it appears to do the trick as conversation begins to flow, tentatively at first, and then Ashton makes a stupid joke and it’s almost like the last year never happened. He doesn’t even notice the time passing, and it’s a surprise when Paul sticks his head in the door, telling the 5SOS boys that the van is waiting outside to take them to the arena for their second night at the O2, and that their manager might just cry if they’re late. His eyes skim over Louis, and he doesn’t seem surprised to see him there. The four boys hop off Liam’s bed hugging both him and Louis and making promises for tomorrow as they head out. Liam doesn’t miss the way Luke tentatively reaches for Ashton’s hand, or the way Ashton gives it an affirmative squeeze as they exit and he feels like a fond father as he watches them leave. When he looks over, Louis has the same expression on his face, and Liam wonders what he’s thinking, whether memories are flooding his mind like they are Liam’s.

Louis meets his eyes, and it seems like one of them is about to say something when Paul reenters. He shoves his hands into his pockets as he rocks back on his heels. ‘How you doing?’

‘Good.’ Liam gives him a smile and he sees the tired look in the man’s eyes lift just a little bit more.

‘Good.’ Paul nods. His eyes flicker to Louis and back, and Liam can tell he’s trying to be as normal as possible, doesn’t want to upset the careful balance in the room. ‘Well, I’m gonna head off then. Call me if you need anything.’ He gives Liam a small smile that’s packed with _something_ , and then he’s off out the door. Liam looks back to Louis who seems to be pretending not to be watching him carefully.

‘So, that was nice.’

Liam just nods, not sure he can find his voice.

‘I wonder how Luke and Ashton will get on.’

‘They’ll be fine,’ Liam smiles. That’s something he _is_ certain of. ‘They’ve been building up to this since we’ve known them.’

Louis nods. ‘I guess so.’

The strange energy is back, so full of unsaid things that Liam can’t think of anything to say, and he’s grateful when Lara enters a moment later.

‘Evening.’ She greets them. She places the new tray down on the table, picking the other one up, chatting away as she clears, and briefly checks over Liam. The tension slowly dissipates as both boys chat back and she pauses, leans against the wall, and she and Louis talk as Liam eats. After a while she looks down at the watch on her wrist.

‘I’ve got to get on,’ she says, pushing herself off the wall. She says goodnight and heads out the room, striding through the waiting room and out of sight.

‘She’s lovely.’ Louis says.

‘Yeah,’ Liam agrees.

They sit in silence again as Liam continues to eat, alone, but not uncomfortable, with their thoughts.

The evening moves much the same as usual, they talk, and the hours stretch on. Louis wriggles uncomfortably in his chair, unable to stay still for more than a few minutes, and Liam’s not quite sure where it comes from or what he’s doing but he says ‘you can sit on the bed.’ The silence after the statement has him overthinking already and so he tacks on an ‘if you want’ as if it doesn’t matter either way. (It does, it really does.)

Louis doesn’t say anything, just blinks at him for another moment, but then he’s standing and shifting himself onto the bed with a confidence that Liam wishes he could share. The conversation continues, Louis seemingly determined not to let it falter, and Liam is grateful, grateful for this silent understanding, even if he’s not entirely sure how to feel about it. The change in proxemics causes a palpable change in the energy in the room, and Liam is suddenly aware of it again, having adjusted to it as their routine grew, but he thinks he understands it now, finds it that little bit easier to ignore. They lie head-to-toe, Louis with his legs crossed at the ankles, his feet next to Liam’s hip, and Liam the same under the sheets.

Louis' eyes start to droop, and he seems to fight it, but his sentences become more slurred until they’re practically unintelligible, and he trails off mid sentence, his breathing evening out. Liam watches him for a moment, frozen, unsure what he’s supposed to do. He considers nudging Louis with his foot, pretending it was an accident, knowing Louis would hurriedly hop off the bed and back into his chair. But, as the man slips lower down on the bed, a deep, satisfied breath leaving him, Liam finds he doesn’t have the heart. His face is so peaceful, Liam can’t bring himself to disturb him, even to calm the humming under his skin, and so he just lets his eyes fall shut, and embraces the increasing heaviness of his own limbs. Morning Liam can deal with this, the Liam that can squash his feelings away. Nighttime Liam knows it will hurt too much to tip this careful balance now, even just a little bit.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis stretches out his legs, the satisfying contortion of his muscles escaping in a sigh as his heel bumps the other body in the bed. Louis nestles in towards Liam’s heat, trying to remember which hotel room they’re in, which city they’ve blasted through in a blur of lights and screams. He briefly wonders when Paul will be in to make sure they’re up and ready to move on. 

Suddenly, consciousness hits him like a freight train and he freezes, his heel still pressed against Liam’s ribs. After a moment, when Louis is quite sure the man is still asleep, he slowly retracts his foot, and releases Liam’s ankle, which he hadn’t noticed he’d been clinging to. With the care of a man on a tightrope, he rolls himself off the bed, standing as silently as possible. He pauses for a moment, frozen. Liam’s face is illuminated by a sliver of sunlight, the smallest of smiles on his lips, and Louis thinks he’s never seen anything more beautiful. He’s not sure how long he stands there, but it isn’t until the light has become brighter and sharper, and Liam begins to stir that Louis finds himself able to move again. He briefly wonders if he should stay, wants to see Liam wake, see the sleep filled eyes and the hazy smile. But Liam’s not ready, Louis reminds himself, says it again like a mantra, and it’s enough to make his body pull itself out of the room. His mind stays there, replaying the image of the angel he had been allowed to witness.

When 5SOS arrive, Louis enters with them (still making sure to check with Liam, just in case), and Liam’s smile is as dazzling as the first time Louis ever saw it, and for a moment he’s back there, with this little puppy of a boy with shaggy hair and a determined look in his eyes that Louis finds makes his stomach flutter. It’s this memory that makes him grin back, and there’s a look in Liam’s eyes that seems confused but content.

No one misses when Ashton wraps an arm around Luke’s waist, or the answering smile from the blonde, and Louis and Liam give each other little conspiratory smiles, until the moment is shattered by Michael’s appalled ‘you two are disgusting!’. He and Calum then take great delight in dramatically recounting the events of the night before, with Ashton apparently an excessively masculine, gruff man and Luke a giggling, falsetto girl, although, as Luke petulantly points out, neither of them were actually present for the conversation in question. Calum just nudges him and says ‘I think the cuddling afterwards made it fairly evident.’ and Luke blushes and stays quiet.

Louis wonders if Liam’s thinking the same thing as him, remembering the nights of whispered conversations and tentative touches that had come after Louis had literally locked them in a room and told Liam not to let them out until Louis had said what he had to say because ‘goddammit I’m going to, no matter what it takes’. (The fact that it had been Liam who had eventually admitted his feelings first is a fact that Louis likes to omit from his own dramatic storytelling). When the other man meets his eyes, Louis thinks he’s fairly sure that’s exactly what he’s thinking. Louis just gives him a small smile, trying to say ‘me too’, and listens to the four bundles of energy in front of him.

There’s a warmth in the room when Paul enters to tell them that their car is waiting, and they’re still chattering about the gross (Michael and Calum)/ adorable (Luke and Ashton) budding relationship as they file out. Their voices fade away as Paul comes further into the room. He stands at the foot of Liam’s bed, and both men sit up straighter, sensing that there is news.

‘I’ve just had a chat with your doctor,’ he says to Liam, and his eyes flick to Louis in the most minute of gestures. Louis sees Liam’s tiny nod out of the corner of his eye and knows that he’s been allowed to witness this conversation. ‘They’re really happy with your progress, talking about discharging you soon.’

It’s Liam now who glances at Louis, and he meets his gaze steady and equal. ‘That’s great, Liam.’ He makes sure to give him a firm smile, seeing the hesitancy in his eyes.

‘You should probably head home soon too, Louis,’ Paul is looking at him now, and Louis feels a twist of nerves in his stomach. ‘You need to get some proper rest, get your strength back too.’

Louis keeps his eyes on Liam, knows his opinion is the only one that matters, and after a moment Liam nods. He offers Louis a smile of his own, and Louis feels his shoulders sink the slightest amount, but knows they’re both right. Paul only stays for a moment longer, telling both of them to get some rest, although there’s a smile playing around his lips that Louis doesn’t really understand, but Liam ducks his head in response.

‘I’ll come pick you up tomorrow if you want?’ Louis realises this question is aimed at him, and again his eyes flick back to Liam. He doesn’t want to leave this man’s side for a second, but this surreal bubble around them is coming to end anyway, and Liam is nodding at him now.

‘You should, you need some sleep.’ Louis finds himself nodding along before he’s sure he’s agreeing but then his brain catches up with his body, and he turns back to Paul.

‘Yeah, ok.’

‘I’ve got to head off, but walk and talk?’ Paul tilts his head towards the door, and Louis rises from the chair. He’s sure Liam knows as well as he does that this is as much a ploy to talk to Louis alone as it is convenient for the man, and his suspicions are confirmed when the door closes behind them and Paul immediately looks at him.

‘Be gentle with him.’ Louis just blinks, not quite sure what to say in return, and Paul continues. ‘He’s getting stronger, but he’s still fragile. Be careful.’

‘I am.’ is all Louis says, and it’s all he needs to. Paul nods, and they walk in comfortable silence together until they reach Paul’s car.

‘I’ll be here around midday to pick you up,’ he says, and wraps Louis in a hug that lasts just a beat too long, and then he’s driving away, and Louis turns and heads back into the hospital.

Liam is on the phone when he returns, and Louis knocks quietly, entering when Liam motions for him to come in. He sits in his chair and closes his eyes while he waits for Liam to finish up.

‘I’m really alright, mum. I promise. Yeah.’ Liam huffs a laugh. ‘Yeah, that sounds nice.’ Theres a slightly longer pause, and then, ‘yeah, he’s fine too. Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow. Yeah, love you, bye.’ Louis opens his eyes as Liam hangs up, and gives him a small smile. ‘Sorry, that was my mother.’

Louis tells him not to worry, and makes a mental note to call his own mother soon. She hadn’t been best pleased when she’d heard about the events of the past year, and Louis had got an earful from her and every single one of his sisters, which he had agreed wholeheartedly with.

There’s a different energy in the room tonight, the ending of these quiet nights heavy on both their minds. Louis asks about Liam’s family, and Liam asks about Louis’ and it’s all far more personal than it has been in a very long time. It feels as if there is some sort of desperation, to say all the things that should be said but neither of them are saying. And so they dance around those thoughts, hinting at them and hoping the other will be brave enough to voice them. Eventually Louis recognizes that they’re going nowhere, and so steers them into easier topics.

‘Paul’s gonna come at about midday tomorrow.’

Liam nods, ‘ok’. There’s silence again, and then Liam asks ‘do you want to sit on the bed?’

It’s out of the blue and awkward, but Louis doesn’t even have to think, just climbs onto the bed and settles himself crosslegged on the end. They continue to talk, both slowly stretching out onto the bed as time passes, their voices getting softer, and somehow they find themselves reminiscing about the X Factor and the other contestants and the early days. It never strays any further, but its closer than either of them has been willing to go, and it feels oh so easy to laugh about this.

Louis' not sure this time who falls asleep first but it’s easy like the old days to allow sleep to embrace him. For the first time in a long, long time, Louis’ not worried.

 

* * *

  

 

Liam shifts, turning his head away from the growing light in the room. His knee knocks the other body in the bed, causing it to roll slightly, twisting its hip back and its shoulder in closer. Liam pauses for a moment, waiting to see if he’s woken the man. When Louis’ breathing stays even, Liam stretches out his legs, groaning slightly at the pleasant sensation in his muscles. Eventually he opens his eyes, and slowly pushes himself up, so that he can comfortably sit. His eyes fall on Louis’ face opposite him, an image of complete peace. The dreams Louis had so vividly displayed in the past weeks (when Liam had been conscious to witness them) seem to have decreased, if not disappeared all together, and the last few nights he has been largely still and calm. Liam wonders what they were about, but had decided not to delve any further into that landmine after Louis had murmured ‘Liam’ one night. It wasn’t worth the inner turmoil.

It strikes him then that this is the first time he’s actually woken to Louis. Usually the man is up and long gone by the time Liam regains consciousness, and he realizes how little he minds. It was only a matter of time, he supposes, before this happened, and better now than ever, when Louis will be leaving. That thought sends him down a long, complicated train of thought about what happens next. What happens when they’re not confined to this room? When its not quite so easy for Louis to just wonder in for a chat? When they actually have to confront what all this means?

He’s beginning to spiral when Louis sits up. Liam hadn’t even noticed him wake, and its this surprise which pull him out of his thoughts. His breathing slowly calms again- he hadn’t even noticed it’s acceleration. Louis doesn’t say anything, but Liam can tell he’s noticed.

‘Morning.’ He offers.

‘Morning.’

They sit there for a moment longer, just looking at each other. Liam begins to wonder if he should say something, if Louis’ waiting for something, but then the other man speaks.

‘What time is it?’

Liam checks his phone. It’s still early, much earlier than he had expected and Louis gives a low whistle when Liam tells him.

‘Bloody hell, really?’

Liam shrugs. ‘Guess our body clocks are going back’.

In the days of the tours they would be up well before this, if they’d even managed to get to sleep that night. It hadn’t mattered then, Louis would rest his head on Liam's shoulder or Liam on Louis’ and the other would rub their back and stroke their hair until the exhaustion stopped feeling too much.

Liam had forgotten what it felt like to be sleepy.

Louis extends his arms over his head, and his back gives a click, which is followed by a long, content breath, and it’s so familiar it hurts.

Louis gives him a dopey smile, settling back so that his chin is almost propped up on his chest, and so they sit in comfortable silence for a while. Liam thinks Louis may have dozed off again, but his eyes snap open when Lara brings in Liam’s breakfast, both of them sitting up straighter. Lara doesn’t mention the new development, but she gives Liam a wink that makes him blush. Louis looks like he’s trying not to smile.

Louis reads him the headlines as he eats, adding his own comments, and a few embellishments here and there that are obviously designed to make Liam smile. He snorts too hard at one and chokes on his mouthful and Louis looks alarmed, causing an odd contortion of his face as he can’t stop laughing either. He immediately comes to Liam’s side, patting him firmly on the back, while Liam’s spluttering calms down and he takes a deep gulp of water. Louis leaves his hand there just a beat too long, just long enough for Liam to think of saying something when a throat clears and Louis withdraws his hand. They both look up to see four Australian boys watching them from the doorway, all with faces carefully void of expression.

‘So…’ Michael, the bastard, says, letting it hang there.

  
When it looks like no one is going to come to their rescue, Liam clears his own throat for good measure. 

‘Morning.’

Ashton takes the hint, leading the others further into the room. ‘Hey.’ Liam thinks he’s always been his favourite.

‘How you doing?’ Luke might be a close second.

‘Good, good,’ Liam nods.

Louis is quick to swoop in, steering the conversation onto safer ground, with a question about their last performance, and Liam relaxes, smiling and nodding in all the right places. He’s just managed to forget about the incident when Paul knocks on the door, and sticks his head in.

‘Ready to go, Louis?’

Louis nods and hops up.

‘See ya later,’ he vaguely motions to the group but his eyes are fixed on Liam as though it's a promise.

‘Yeah,’ is all Liam can say, and Louis nods as if that was enough (which it definitely isn’t), pats his pockets, briefly looks around, and then heads out the door, grabbing his jacket on the way out. It’s so short that it’s almost as if it isn’t packed with significance, but of course the boys sitting around him aren’t going to let that go.

‘Did you…’ Calum starts.

‘No.’

‘Are you?’ Ashton adds.

‘No. Yes. Maybe?’ Liam sighs, running a hand through his hair.

Michael hums. ‘Fair enough. Wanna see dumb photo of Luke?’

Liam shoots him a grateful smile and nods.

The topic doesn’t come up again, and Liam once again finds himself thankful for these stupid, lovable morons he calls his friends.

-*-

The next week in uneventful. Liam finds himself looking to the waiting room every night as if Louis will materialize there if he just looks hard enough. He’s not sure he wants him to if he’s totally honest, sanity finally catching up with him, and causing him to actually _think_ , about what the last few weeks have meant, and what he feels. When it’s dark, and there’s not a sound in Liam’s room apart from his own breath though, he wishes Louis would swish in. Sometimes Liam doesn’t want to think. He’s spent a whole year thinking, and he finds that right now, he just wants to laugh. In the end this doesn’t get him any further, just adds another weight to the pro-Louis side of the scales.

 -*-

On the morning of his release, Paul enters with Lara.

‘Hey, kid, you ready to go?’

‘Nearly,’ Liam hops out of bed. He’d barely slept that night, the thoughts swirling in his head even louder than normal. Once he’s out of hospital this tentative balance between him and Louis and reality is shattered.

He packs up the small amount of stuff left to gather, and once that’s done, he finds himself sitting on the edge of the bed, not quite sure what to do now. Lara knocks on the frame of the open door, leaning against it. Paul has gone to get the car, so that Liam can leave as soon as he’s ready. He thinks he might be the only one as attached to this room, considering the significance it must have for everyone else around him.

‘Hey,’ she leaves it there, inviting Liam to say as much or as little as he likes.

‘It’s weird, isn’t it?’ Liam doesn’t expand on the question, not sure it even is a question, but thinks she might know what he means as she shoves off the doorframe and shrugs as she enters the room properly.

‘I don’t know, I think it makes sense. For them it’s the place you broke, for you it’s the place you healed.’ When Liam doesn’t respond, she continues. ‘I think its ok for this to be a safe place for you.’

It occurs to Liam again that this woman is a godsend, and it’s this thought that has him wrapping his arms around her. She hugs him back with just as much feeling, and it’s a throat clearing that causes them to pull away. Paul has a carefully blank look on his face as he regards the two of them.

‘Ready?’

‘Yeah,’ Liam stands, Lara’s hand still on his back. ‘Yeah, I think so.’ Paul grabs his bags from the end of the bed, leaving Liam to survey the room one last time, saying a mental goodbye, before he turns away and doesn’t look back.

The car ride is mostly silent, neither of the men quite sure what to say. Liam finds his eyes catching on small details of the world outside, things that he would never have noticed before drawing his attention. It’s a strange sensation, everything so familiar and yet so foreign all the same. He barely notices the time passing until they’re turning a corner onto his street, and then he’s gripped with nerves. What will greet him when he opens the door? Will he even recognize his home? Paul seems to sense this, and he doesn’t even ask Liam, just pulls his bags out the boot and heads towards the lobby, giving Liam no choice but to follow. He realizes once again how lucky he is to have this person in his life.

He braces himself as he turns his key in the lock. The sight that greets him leaves him standing there, frozen. It’s almost as if he never left- on tour. The apartment is sparkling clean, warm and welcoming and there’s even a vase of flowers on the kitchen counter. Liam’s on auto pilot as he steps inside, Paul following him as he slowly takes everything in. Finally, he turns to face the older man.

‘Thank you.’

Paul shrugs. ‘Wasn’t me.’ There’s a knowing smile playing around his lips, and Liam can guess what it means. He just nods, perching somewhat tentatively on the sofa.

Paul places his bags down by the door, and comes to sit next to him.

‘You sure you’re going to be ok here?’

Liam nods again. ‘Yeah, I’ll be alright.’

Paul pats him on the shoulder, and pushes himself back up. ‘Well I’ll head off then, let you get re-accustomed.’

Liam just nods vaguely again, his eyes roaming around the room. Paul huffs what could be a laugh, and head towards the door. ‘I’ll pop round tomorrow to see how you’re getting on,’ is his goodbye, and Liam thanks him again and closes the door after him.

He stands there for a minute, back against the closed door just looking. He doesn’t remember specifics, life was just a haze those last few days, but he’s sure he didn’t leave the flat like this. He vaguely remembers living out of his suitcase, not having seen the purpose of unpacking it. It had sat next to the door, the contents slowly spilling out more and more as he dug for whatever he was looking for at the time. He starts moving, arriving before he even realizes where he’s going. He stands in the doorway of the bathroom, just staring down at the space on the floor that seems so empty. It’s almost hard to believe that something so earth-shatteringly significant happened in that very spot. The time he stands there is immeasurable- it could be minutes or hours. At some point he simply turns, and walks away. He heads straight to his bedroom, curls up under the sheets and falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis paces. How soon is too soon? Should he even? Would he want him to? He makes a noise of frustration and continues to stride up and down. 

‘Relax,’ Harry says, not looking up from his phone, sprawled out on the sofa.

‘How can you be so calm about this? He’s out of hospital.’ Louis goes back to his pacing.

The doorbell rings and Harry sighs, pushing himself up. ‘I’ll get that then, shall I?’

Louis doesn’t respond (not that Harry probably expected him to) just continues to march up and down the room. A moment later two sets of footsteps are heading down the hall towards Louis. He looks up briefly to see Zayn enter, and then resumes his pacing again.

‘Can you do something about this?’ Harry vaguely gestures towards him. ‘He’s giving me motion sickness.’

Harry flops back into his position on the sofa, his phone back in front of his face, and Zayn sits next to him a second later, regarding Louis carefully.

‘You alright, Lou?’

Harry snorts, and Louis flips him off without looking.

‘He’s stressed because Liam’s out of the hospital today.’ The curly haired man supplies when Louis doesn’t answer, and Zayn sighs in his all-knowing way.

‘Will you please at least sit down?’ Louis pauses for a second, then nods, and perches on the sofa, ready to jump back up at any moment. Zayn places a seemingly tentative hand on his back, but Louis knows he’s ready to yank him back down at any moment if he tries to get up, and so he settles back into the sofa more fully.

‘Now, what’s wrong?’

Louis deflates. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘About?’ Zayn prompts.

Louis sighs again. ‘Liam. He’s out of the hospital now. I don’t know what that means.’

Zayn’s hand on his back turns more comforting, rubbing across his shoulder blades. ‘It doesn’t mean anything.’

‘But what do I do? I don’t know what the right thing is.’

‘There isn’t a right or wrong in this, Louis. You do what seems fitting in this situation.’

‘He’s right, Lou.’ Harry leans forward to meet his eye. ‘You do what makes sense to you.’

Louis slumps back into the sofa, running a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know what that is though.’

 

* * *

 

 

Liam is in the process if making himself breakfast with the contents of the newly stocked fridge he had discovered that morning when there’s a knock on the door. He drops the slice of bread onto the counter, and heads to the front door, looking through the peephole. Niall stands on the other side, rocking on his heels uncomfortably. Liam considers for a moment, and then pulls the door open. 

‘Hi.’ He leaves it hanging there, perhaps giving Liam the chance to slam the door in his face.

‘Hi.’ Liam responds. There’s a beat of silence before Niall speaks.

‘Can I come in?’ After another beat Liam nods, and steps to the side, allowing Niall to pass. The blonde man enters hesitantly, his eyes surveying the room cautiously, as if he is reliving the last time he was here. There’s a strange sense of irony, Niall being the first to come here. The first boy to speak to him all those years ago, with his messy blonde hair and crooked smile, the first to enter this warzone.

‘Do you want some tea?’ Liam asks, desperate for something to fill the silence.

‘Yeah, thanks.’ Niall nods slowly, and Liam heads back into the kitchen, going about the process on autopilot.

‘How are you doing?’ Niall asks when he places the mug down in front of him on the table, Liam’s own cradled in his hand. The question is cautious again, as if Niall knows he doesn’t really have a right to be asking it.

There’s a small flare of indignation in Liam, but it’s overwhelmed by the exhaustion and the desire to just _be_ , and so he nods, taking a sip of his tea. ‘Better. S’good to be home.’

Niall nods, and Liam wonders if that’s what this conversation is going to be, awkward, careful questions and unsure nodding. ‘I thought you might like this.’ Niall places a DVD case down on the table, and Liam picks it up, his eyes roaming over the images and the title. ‘It came out a few months ago.’ ‘When you were in hospital’ hangs in the air, neither of them saying it but both of them knowing it.

‘Yeah, Ashton showed me the trailer for it.’ Liam places the case back down. ‘Thanks.’ They drink their tea in silence for a while, but it’s not so uncomfortable now, and Liam doesn’t feel the need to avoid the other man’s eyes quite so badly.

Niall stays for another hour, telling him he’s not hungry as Liam completes and eats his breakfast, and filling him in on the ‘important’ changes in the world while Liam was in hospital. Liam is up to date with all the big celebrity break ups, the time Harry tripped on the stairs, and the mixed results of Zayn’s new found desire to learn to cook, by the time Niall stands, and tells Liam he ‘better be off.’

Liam stands too, and follows him to the door.

‘It was good to see you,’ Niall says as he exits, turning to look at him.

‘Yeah,’ Liam says. ‘You too.’

Niall gives him a small smile and turns, walking down the hall. Liam shuts the door and exhales.

Paul arrives soon after, and tells him he saw Niall leave. Liam just shrugs, tells him its ok, and Paul doesn’t ask any more questions.

-*- 

The next day there’s another knock at the door, at 7pm, when Liam’s just considering dinner. This time it’s a dark quiff that greets him. He pulls the door open, and Zayn raises the bag he’s carrying. ‘I brought Chinese.’

Liam just steps out of the way, lets him in. ‘I can just leave it here if you don’t feel like talking.’ Zayn says, and when he looks at Liam, he sees that he really means it. Zayn will leave if Liam asks, and it’s this unspoken promise that gives the Liam the confidence to shake his head.

‘It’s fine.’ Zayn sits on the sofa, and looks at him.

‘I heard there’s a Friends marathon tonight.’

Liam nods and follows him, placing himself carefully down on the other end of the sofa. Zayn turns the TV on and flicks through the channels until he finds what he’s looking for. Liam digs through the bag and places the food on the coffee table in front of them.

They barely speak all evening, time stretching on as they watch episode after episode and eat their way through too much Chinese food, but Liam finds it easier to relax as Zayn tucks his legs under himself, and rests back into the sofa, a carton of noodles in his hand. When Liam begins to yawn, Zayn stands, stretching his back out. ‘I guess I should head off.’

Liam stands, and tries to protest when Zayn bends to collect the empty cartons. The other man stops him with a small smile. ‘It’s ok.’ He says, and collects all the mess up, disappearing into the kitchen with them, and returning a moment later empty handed.

‘Thanks,’ Liam says awkwardly.

‘It’s alright.’ Zayn gives him another smile, and turns towards the door. He gives Liam another small smile when they’re standing in the doorway.

‘Has Louis been past?’

‘No,’ Liam frowns. ‘Why?’

Zayn shrugs in his oh-so-casual way, sliding his hands into the back pocket of his jeans. ‘No reason.’

He shoots Liam a ‘see ya later’ and he’s off on his way. Liam closes the door, a frown still on his face.

-*-

He waits the whole of the next day for another knock on the door but it never comes, and he gives up and falls asleep in front of the TV.

-*-

It’s three more days until that knock comes, and Liam already knows who it will be before he looks. Harry has a hopeful smile on his face, but his eyes are guarded.

‘Hi,’ Liam says, already stepping out the way for Harry to enter. Harry echoes the greeting as he steps inside. This particular conversation was always going to be difficult, Harry and Liam different in so many ways. Where Harry was loud and brash, Liam had always been quiet and pensive. Sometimes this had been an advantage, Harry helping to bring him out his shell in interviews, dispelling rumours of Liam ‘not belonging’, but now, in this quiet, careful knife’s edge of a moment, Harry seems lost. Liam’s not surprised it’s taken him so long to come here, where it took the others so little.

‘Wine?’ Harry holds up the bottle Liam hadn’t noticed he was carrying. Harry clearly realizes how tough this is going to be then.

Liam fetches them both glasses, and they sit on the sofa, backs pressed against each armrest, and Harry seems determined he’s going to get through this as he decisively says, ‘so, how are you?’

‘Ok,’ Liam responds. ‘You?’

‘Ok.’ When Liam doesn’t offer anymore, Harry continues. ‘There’s talks about when you’re coming back.’

‘I’m not ready.’ Liam says, ready to fight him on this, but Harry just shrugs.

‘I assumed. Just thought you might want to know.’

Liam nods, surprised and grateful. ‘Thanks.’

‘No problem.’ Harry says, taking a swig of his wine.

They sit for a while longer, and Harry asks the difficult questions, the ones no one else will ask because there’s no pulling punches between these two, something they’d discovered early in their friendship.

Harry gamely meets his eye with every query, and Liam gives as good as he gets, tells Harry he’s mostly just slept and eaten since he got back, the other’s were fine, he hasn’t seen Louis. When the wine bottle is empty, Harry pushes himself off the sofa. ‘Well, that was good.’

‘It was.’ Liam agrees. They’re nowhere near done, nowhere near friends, but they’ve said what needs to be said for now, and Liam thinks that all three of his visitors knew and did what needed to be done for each of them.

When Harry leaves, saluting to him and striding down the corridor, Liam closes the door behind him, pressing his back against the door once again. His head meets the wood with a dull thunk.

One left. The hardest one of all.

-*-

When Liam wakes the next morning, he can’t help but wonder why Louis hasn’t come yet. He would have imagined Louis would have been the first, would have thought it would’ve been the other three who would have hesitated, waited until the coast was definitely clear.

He waits that day, and the next. The day after that he goes to the gym, just jogs on the treadmill a bit but feels much better for it. It’s another couple of days before there’s another knock on the door, and Liam squares his shoulders, and opens the door without looking. Louis stands with determination in his stance, and Liam just lets him in, heads towards the kitchen to make tea. Louis is the only one who shows no surprise at the state of his apartment, and Liam’s suspicions are confirmed.

‘Thanks for clearing up.’ He says as he stirs the two mugs.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis starts a little at the statement, but the man doesn’t turn around, and so Louis says ‘you’re welcome’ and hopes that the surprise isn’t evident in his voice. It makes sense that Liam would put two and two together, he and Paul are the only two with a spare key, and Louis is the one who knows where everything is, knows this apartment like the back of his hand. Besides, he will have spoken to Paul already. Louis wonders if the man had told Liam about their conversation, about asking Paul to let him know when they were on their way back so that Louis could get out of the flat. As Liam makes the tea, Louis allows his mind to wander, thinking of the stench of mold and the unidentifiable substances he had found in the kitchen, the cold, half drunk cups of tea with curdled milk floating along the top strewn across the flat. He thinks about the broken piece of razor under Liam’s pillow as he’d changed the sheets, and he shakes his head sharply. It had been the first thing to go, and Louis had searched the rest of the house from top to bottom for any more, relief settling in his stomach when it appeared he had found the only one. He looks over to the vase of flowers, slightly wilting now, but still sat there. Perhaps they had been overkill, but Louis had been desperate for anything that would brighten this place with its dark cloud of gloom, and its stench of bleach coming from the bathroom. 

The sound of mugs being placed on the table pulls him out of his thoughts, and he meets confused brown eyes when he looks up. Liam’s the first to look away, and he doesn’t say anything as he takes a seat across from Louis.

‘Happy to be home?’ he asks, and it’s pathetic, but it’s all he can think of, and he relaxes when Liam says ‘yeah’, and leans back into his chair.

‘I heard the others came to see you.’

‘They did.’ Liam doesn’t say any more than that, but Louis doesn’t really expect him to.

‘Have you seen the film Niall brought you yet?’

Liam shakes his head. ‘Haven’t had time.’

Louis doubts this excuse, knows Liam well enough to know it’s unlikely he’s left his apartment more than once in the last week, but doesn’t challenge him on it.

‘I figured we could maybe watch it at some point.’ When Liam doesn’t say anything he continues. ‘Niall keeps going on about it but I’ve haven't gotten a chance to see it.’ He doesn’t mention the reason; that he had been sat in a hospital waiting room for months, not even sure where he’s going with this, but instinct tells him its good, so he wings it.

There’s a pause. ‘Sure.’ Liam agrees, and Louis tries to control the smile.

‘Your return hasn’t hit headlines yet.’ Louis tells him, because this is comfortable territory, this he knows how to handle, and Liam’s small snort tells him it’s working. In this moment it feels almost stupid, his week long panic about coming here, but every time he looks around him some memory hits him, some reminder of the things he discovered, of the letters still sat perfectly waiting on Liam’s bed, and he knows that the panic was well fueled.

They chat with faux ease and Louis’ close to bringing up the weather, if only to keep this relative peace going, when Liam fixes him with an intense stare. ‘What took you so long?’ The peace is shattered, but Louis tilts his chin up, determined not to shy away now.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d want me to come.’ Liam doesn’t say anything, just continues to look at him, so Louis goes on. ‘Wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do.’

At this Liam nods. There’s still a lot that needs to be said, but he thinks Liam can maybe understand this, this tentative uncertainty that exists between them, just as strong as the humming under his skin every time they’re together.

‘More tea?’ Liam asks, and Louis exhales, and nods. Liam goes about refilling their glasses and Louis takes this opportunity to scrutinize the kitchen more intensely. It seems Liam’s got through almost all the food Louis had bought, despite Zayn’s supplying dinner earlier in the week. He makes a note to go shopping tomorrow.

This time the ease is a little more real, a little simpler to settle into. When the light begins to fade, and Louis has finished his third cup of tea, he stands. ‘Right, well, I better leave you to your evening.’

Liam hesitates then nods, rising too. They don’t speak until they’re at the door.

‘Thanks for coming.’ Louis knows it means more than that, ‘thanks for taking the next step’ more accurate.

‘Thanks for letting me in.’ is all he says, wants Liam to know the ball is still in his court. Instinctively, he reaches forward and grabs Liam’s hand. He gives it a squeeze, and then turns to go, before Liam can even respond.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis’ back the next day, shopping bags in hand. He raises them into Liam’s eyeline when he opens the door, telling him ‘I brought supplies’. Liam hesitates for a moment, then steps out of the way, never saying anything. Louis places the bags onto the table in the kitchen and begins sorting through them, placing everything where it belongs. 

‘I can do that,’ Liam says, as he follows.

‘Ok.’ Louis says, but doesn’t stop, and after a moment Liam lets out a sigh (it has a hint of amusement to it, though he’d never admit it) and begins to sift through the bags, joining him. Louis hums to himself as they work, and Liam feels a little tug in his heart.

‘Niall was thinking of suggesting we get dinner together.’ Louis says, out of the blue, and Liam looks over to him. ‘I just thought I’d let you know in case he decides to follow through with it, give you ample warning.’ He meets Liam’s eyes, and Liam nods.

‘Thanks.’ He is genuinely grateful, knowing that that kind of surprise would cause him trouble.

Louis doesn’t stay long, just helps Liam unpack and lets him know that the other boys want to see him soon, another warning, but he promises ‘tomorrow’, and Liam notices the emphasis on it, the decisiveness in the blue eyes.

-*-

The next evening there’s a familiar knock at the door, and Louis holds a plastic bag with a bag of popcorn peaking out of it. ‘I brought snacks’.

Liam’s beginning to wonder if Louis has spoken to Zayn and concluded that the bribery of food will be the best weapon to get him into Liam’s home. As Louis enters he says ‘I figured we could watch that movie tonight, unless you have plans this evening.’ Something about the way he says it insinuates that he knows very well that Liam doesn’t, but his face is totally innocent when he turns to look at Liam expectantly, and so he shrugs it off.

‘Yeah, ok.’

Louis immediately gets comfortable on the sofa, pulling out popcorn, Doritos and beer. Liam joins him and in mere moments both men are engrossed in the movie, shoving food into their mouths as they barely breathe. The two hours speed past, and when the credit rolls Liam blinks.

‘Niall’s right,’ Louis says, awe in his voice and his eyes still fixed on the screen. ‘That was incredible.’

Liam looks at him crosslegged on the sofa, so comfortable and so _right_ there, that Liam’s throat tightens. Louis looks over to him and he blinks, just in time to pull himself out of whatever that was before Louis can register it on his face. ‘Yeah,’ Liam agrees. ‘That was awesome.’

‘Well,’ Louis hops up, as if he can feel the atmosphere change in the room after all. ‘I guess I should go now.’

Liam looks at his phone, its not late, and Liam probably won’t get to sleep for at least another couple of hours. ‘If you want.’

Louis regards him carefully, obviously trying to decode that noncommittal response. Whatever he sees must please him, because he smiles a small, secretive smile. ‘There’s this new show on Netflix I’m addicted to- we could always watch an episode or two if you want?’

‘Sure.’ Liam nods. He’s not sure why, but something in him doesn’t want Louis to leave just yet, even despite the weird energy in the room. Louis is quick to find the show, and assure Liam he’ll ‘love it, seriously’.

He is, of course, right, but Liam is careful not to tell Louis that when he looks over to him eagerly after the first episode. It only seems to spur Louis on, and so he puts on the second episode and tells Liam this one is even better, and he’ll definitely love it after this one.

He is, again, right, but Liam, again, doesn’t let him see, and so Louis huffs, and tells him he’ll make him love it somehow. The pout on his face paired with the laughter is so painfully familiar that it takes Liam’s breath away, and he’s sincerely grateful when Louis sits up properly. ‘Tomorrow, we’re watching more.’

He tells Liam not to get up, just calls goodnight on his way out, repeating the word ‘tomorrow’, and hums as he leaves, the door closing with a thud behind him. Liam just sits there, not quite sure what’s just happened but feeling more alive than he has in a very long time.

 -*-

True to his word, Louis is back the next day with more snacks in hand, and he doesn’t even greet Liam, just breezes past him and settles himself on the sofa like the day before, and tells Liam that he’s ‘really going to love this episode, its one of the best ones’. Again Liam refuses to show Louis how right he is, even though he’d spent last night scrolling through fan accounts of the cast and desperately trying to avoid any spoilers. Liam discovers there are multiple seasons, and says goodbye to his plans for the next few weeks as Louis tells him he’s going to show him all of them, until Liam loves it as much as he does.

 -*-

By the fifth night, Liam is in half a mind to tell Louis that he’s right, that Liam does love it, it is great, as Louis bombards him with information, but there’s such an easy peace in the room that Liam doesn’t have the heart. Just as he reaches this conclusion there’s a knock on the door, and Louis pauses the show. Liam hauls himself up, and can’t help but laugh when he looks through the peephole. He opens the door to four matching grins.

‘We have food.’ Ashton raises the bag in greeting and now Liam‘s sure there must be some conspiracy he doesn’t know about to bribe him with food.

‘Come in,’ Liam opens the door wider.

All four traipse in, and pause when they see Louis on the couch. That is, until Michael catches a glimpse of what’s on the screen, and says ‘I love this episode.’ It’s enough to have all four of them curling up on the sofa, and Liam finds himself the subject of four scandalized looks and a sly smile when Louis informs them that Liam ‘doesn’t love this show, can you imagine.’

‘Right, we’re not leaving until he does.’ Calum says, eyes already back on the screen.

Luke tells him to sit, pointing fiercely at the empty space on the sofa, and Liam wonders what he’s gotten himself into as Louis presses play. In the chaos that is Liam’s friends’ existence, Louis has ended up next to him, and Liam remains determinedly focused on the screen the rest of the night. He thinks he might just have a heart attack when Louis leans in to murmur in his ear about Luke and Ashton who are sat on the floor together, cuddled into each other.

Thankfully its only an hour, maybe two, before Liam starts yawning, and these boys are still all so in tune with his every move that they jump up and tell him that they’ve got to be getting back anyway. Michael places a hand on his shoulder, fixing him with a very intense gaze as he says ‘we will be back.’ His eyes flick to the screen and back to Liam before he releases him, muttering something like ‘doesn’t love it, what kind of person…’. Ashton is the next to hug him, and still has his arms round him when he asks ‘tomorrow?’ Liam nods. ‘We’ll get dinner,’ the curly haired boy smiles, and Liam finds himself agreeing, smiling back. Louis leaves with them and Liam is thankful for small mercies. He doesn’t know what he would have done if he had lingered, not sure how to handle the electricity in his veins.

He leaves the mess, pausing only to turn the TV off, and then he collapses on his bed and is out like a light.

-*- 

As promised the boys are back the next night, laden with bags of Mexican food. Liam is prepared, plates and cutlery on the coffee table, and he’d even stepped out to pick up a few bags of crisps and more popcorn. These boys keep plying him with food, and it was a trend Liam needs to break if he's ever going to gain anything like independence. It doesn’t take long for them to have resumed their positions from the night before, and Liam is more prepared but that doesn’t stop the electricity fizzing through his veins as soon as Louis settles himself next to him.

He gets through dinner, excusing himself for a minute to clear plates as a pretext for escaping to the kitchen. He braces himself against the counter and takes a few deep breaths, but the boys had insisted on pausing, telling him they don’t want him to miss anything, and so he’s forced to return before anyone can suspect that he’s internally freaking out. It’s a little easier when he sits down, knowing what to expect and carrying on with his deep breathing when the sounds of the show cover it. It’s all made completely redundant however, when Louis’ thigh presses against his. Liam’s eyes flick to his face, but he doesn’t appear to have noticed, eyes still fixed on the screen, and so Liam looks away again, his body completely frozen as he looks back to the show. Louis seems to realize a moment later, because he suddenly yanks his leg away, and Liam can feel the tension radiating off him.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis is kicking himself. How could he have upset this careful balance? They’d been doing so well. He hadn’t even noticed at first, the feeling of Liam’s body against his so normal, so ingrained in his DNA, even after all this time. Abruptly he’d become aware of the stone-like stiffness of Liam’s leg, and he’d been so upset with himself he’d jerked his leg away at the speed of light. It only occurred to him afterwards that a) there were subtler ways of doing so (and Liam probably thinks it’s his fault now, god), and b) Liam hadn’t moved his own leg away. He files all this away, sifting through it while the others around him sit engrossed in the action on screen, oblivious. He’s so deep in his own thoughts that he jumps when Calum nudges him from his other side. He blinks and realizes the others are all preparing themselves to leave, and when he checks the time he realizes its been 2 hours. He’s determined to make eye contact with Liam as they’re saying their goodbyes, and gives him a warm smile, trying to make up for his rash response earlier. Liam gives him a shy smile back, and Louis’ heart soars. He barely says anything as he and 5SOS exit the building, thoughts tumbling around his head, and with a simple ‘see ya tomorrow, lads,’ he’s off down the road, a plan already forming in his mind. 

He barely sleeps that night, obsessively turning the evening over in his mind. By the time he finally falls into a light doze, there’s only one thing on his mind thing.

He loves Liam and he wants him back. No matter what.

-*-

He’s early the next night. He hadn’t necessarily planned to be, but is happy all the same, as he follows Liam to and from the kitchen as the man places snacks and shoves drinks into the fridge. He’s filled with a burst of fondness for this man, and his neat, perfect-host-ness, even though it’s only a bunch of lads in their early twenties who will most definitely not even notice. He doesn’t think Liam even realizes, has just always been like this. He chatters at Liam about the show, about the cast and how cool and funny they are, mainly because he likes the patient smile it brings to Liam’s face sometimes, and so he desperately chases it, spurred on every time he sees a flash of it.

When the four grinning Australians arrive, Louis is in his seat next to Liam before they’ve even had a chance to sit down, and he’s a ball of nervous energy until the soft, chocolate-eyed man sits next to him, and suddenly a strange sense of calm settles over him. He waits until they’re roughly twenty minutes in, and then he very gently presses his shoulder into Liam’s. He’d planned to wait longer, but it’s all he’s been able to concentrate on, and so he surrenders early. He’s careful to monitor Liam’s every reaction, prepared to jump away the minute it seems like too much.

Liam freezes immediately, but he doesn’t move away. Louis resolutely keeps his eyes on the screen, although he’s desperate to see the expression on Liam’s face. They sit like this for an immeasurable amount of time, and Louis’ just about to move away, driving himself insane with overthinking when Liam suddenly relaxes. His shoulder presses against Louis more fully, and it seems as if he’s almost leaning into it. Louis can’t help the grin that splits his face.

-*-

This dance continues between them as the tradition grows. Louis arrives at Liam’s in the evening and some amount of 5SOS turn up soon after, sometimes all of them, sometimes one or two. Louis knows it’s a testament to the strength and recovery of the man next to him that they even feel comfortable being this easy, compared to the four of them showing up like clockwork everyday. Louis had almost forgotten that they weren’t attached at the hip. Every night Louis inches forward a little bit more. First a shoulder, then an arm, then a thigh, always careful not to push too far. The time it takes for Liam to relax into it is getting shorter though, and the frequency of smiles, no matter how distinctly _friendly_ they are, is increasing, and its only encouragement to Louis.

Tonight it’s just him and Luke and Ashton, which, in itself causes an ever so slight change in atmosphere, but these guys were friends before they were lovers, and so it’s not particularly noticeable. However, it spurs Louis to push further than he had before. He carefully stretches an arm out along the back of the sofa, so that it rests just behind Liam’s neck. It’s so _almost there_ that Louis immediately wonders if he’s gone too far. Liam doesn’t even react though, just shifts so that he’s sitting slightly lower in the couch and if Louis didn’t know him better he would think Liam wanted his arm around him. But he does know Liam, and knows neither of them are ready for that yet. It does help that little flame of hope in his heart to burn a little brighter though.

The next night Louis does the same, but immediately, as soon as the other man sits down. Liam doesn’t even blink, and Louis feels eighteen again, the way his heart flutters, and butterflies fill his stomach. He half expects to look over and see a small sixteen year old with shaggy hair and a shy grin. He catches sight of Liam’s tattoos scattered across his arms and allows himself a small, private smile. The person sitting next to him is most definitely no longer that bashful, cautious boy. Well, maybe a little bit, Louis allows, when Liam lets out a small yawn and snuggles a little further into the sofa.

They’re all bleary eyed, having made the official transition from a couple of episodes with friends to straight up binge watching through the night, when it happens. It’s Louis’ turn to freeze as Liam nestles his head into Louis shoulder. Louis’ completely statue-like for a moment and then allows himself to look down, and its with a mixture of relief and faint disappointment that he realizes that Liam is completely knocked-out asleep. Very cautiously, Louis slowly moves his hand from the sofa to Liam’s back, and begins to brush feather-light strokes along his spine with the tips of his fingers. Liam lets out something between a sigh and a moan, and Louis freezes again, but then continues. It’s all so familiar that it breaks his heart, and Louis finds himself in an intense internal battle between waking Liam up and keeping him here forever. Ashton looks over at him then and when he sees their position he raises an eyebrow at Louis, as if to say ‘alright?’ He pauses the show, in turn garnering Luke’s attention. Louis sighs, knowing that this is going to be ‘the talk’. But he’s surprised when Ashton vocalizes his question.

‘You ok, Lou?’

Louis nods, not sure he can find his voice just yet. Tentatively he tries to lift his arm, but Liam makes a whining sound, and twists round so that he’s fully curled up on the sofa, and he’s hugging Louis’ arm, and Louis can’t breathe. Ashton sees the panic in his eyes, and pushes himself up, coming over to them. He carefully helps Louis remove his arm, and then gently shakes Liam awake. His voice is soothing as he softly coaxes Liam back to reality and Louis tries to relax his muscles as Liam wakes so as not to panic him. He thinks he can understand now, understand why and how Liam lent on this boy through the last year, and a new layer of gratefulness surges through him. Liam turns his face into Louis for a moment, trying to escape Ashton’s efforts, but he pauses the moment full consciousness hits him. Louis has another urge to replace his hand, calm him back to sleep as he used to, but he also knows that right now its all in Liam’s hands, and he must do what the other man needs.

Liam blinks, his eyes still sleepy as he sits up and looks around. Ashton is quick to distract him, to soften the shock and possible panic. ‘You fell asleep, mate. You should probably head to bed.’ Liam doesn’t say anything, and Luke comes to Ashton’s side, joining the little huddle.

‘We’ll clear up if you need.’ Liam looks between the two, and then to Louis who is doing his best to cover the cuddling that had occurred only minutes earlier. He was feeling increasingly guilty for his momentary lapse, for his instinctual need, and he focuses on Liam’s legs, unable to meet his eyes.

‘I’m alright.’ Liam’s voice is soft and a little hoarse, and Louis prays for the floor to open up and swallow him whole.

He must convince the two boys in front of them in some way, because after a moment they push themselves up and stand, beginning to clear up the mess around them. As they head to the kitchen, arms full of trash and speaking in low tones, Liam turns to Louis more fully. Louis still can’t bring himself to look at him, and he jumps slightly when he feels Liam’s hand on his chin, slowly guiding his face up. He finds himself looking into confused brown eyes, a small crease between the brows, and all Louis wants to do is kiss him, especially when the eyes flick to his lips and back. But the intimate moment is over almost as soon as it had begun, when Liam drops his hand.

‘It’s ok.’ He says, and Louis nods, give him a weak smile. Luke and Ashton return at that moment, and both men’s head snap towards the two.

‘We’re going to head off.’ Luke says. When Liam begins to protest he continues. ‘You need sleep. It’s fine.’

This definitive statement seems to do the trick, and Liam nods, standing with a groan. Louis stands too, and follows the other two towards the door.

‘Louis?’ Liam’s voice is soft and hesitant, and Louis almost thinks he’s imagined it, but when he turns Liam is standing there with a shy look on his face.

‘Yeah?’ Louis takes a step closer, noticing absently that Luke and Ashton are chatting away happily in the hall.

‘Thanks.’ Liam gives him a small smile, and suddenly he reaches over and kisses him on the cheek.

Louis just blinks at him, and then does an awkward nod, turns and walks out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Liam laughs a little, mostly out of shock. He’s not quite sure what he just did or why, but it had just felt _right_ , and so he doesn’t allow himself to think any more about it, just heads straight for his bed and recites song lyrics until he falls asleep. 

In the morning he’s less sure. What if it wasn’t what Louis was looking for- he’d thought it had been with his increased physical contact, but maybe that was just him being friendly. They haven’t gone anywhere near the topic of their relationship yet, haven’t discussed the ‘what’ that hangs between them, and so Liam has no idea what Louis thinks, what they are. He thinks about this round and round, even when he put his headphones in and blasts music during his session at the gym, and by the evening he’s almost built himself into an all out panic, convinced Louis isn’t going to come back, convinced he’s messed up whatever they had, when there’s a knock on the door and his brain falls silent.

He opens the door carefully, and Louis greets him with a grin. Liam doesn’t say anything, and so Louis just greets him cheerfully and enters, leaving Liam to dumbly follow after him. Louis chatters away as normal, possibly even more than normal, and Liam just watches him, still saying nothing. Louis finally turns to him and fixes him with a direct stare, when there’s another knock. Liam is so full of relief he almost runs to answer it, and welcomes the four boys in. He’d made dinner in his nervous haze, and so he busies himself getting out plates and serving it up, and he’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t notice Louis’s presence until the man is right next to him. He jumps a little, but smoothly hands two plates to him and asks him to take them to the others. Louis just nods, doesn’t say anything, and Liam doesn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he leaves.

They get through dinner and the first episode relatively unscathed. But when there’s no longer the distraction of food Liam finds himself acutely aware of the air between himself and the man next to him. Louis hasn’t seemed unfriendly, although he isn’t touching Liam in the way he usually would be by now. Just as Liam is working himself up into a panic again Louis very softly, very carefully, places a hand on Liam’s thigh, just above his knee. When Liam doesn’t throw him off, he rests it properly there, giving it a squeeze a moment later. Liam notices Michael sneaking a glance and his suspicions as to the cause of the entirety of the band showing up at his door are confirmed.

Nothing changes as the evening progresses, neither of the men taking anything any further, but it’s enough. Liam knows where they’re headed now, knows what there is between them, and it both terrifies him and brings him peace.

When the boys are leaving, (and he is both relieved and disappointed that Louis leaves with them), Louis turns to him. ‘He’s gonna call you tomorrow, but Niall has officially decided to invite you to dinner.’

Liam nods, and Louis takes his hand. He just holds it there for a minute, until Liam looks from it to his face. ‘It’s alright.’

Liam smiles gratefully, and nods. Louis gives him a significant look, and then he leans forward and kisses Liam’s cheek. He feels a small smile spread across his face at the gesture. Louis gives his hand a squeeze and then he follows the others out into the hall, where they’re waiting for him. Liam’s on cloud nine, feeling like a teenager with his first crush again.

When he’s lying in bed staring at the ceiling however, it slowly begins to process, and Liam finds himself at war with himself again.

-*-

The next morning Niall does call him, says he was thinking of having them all over that weekend, was Liam up for it? Liam says yes, asks if he wants him to bring anything, the picture of civilized friends. He has a few days to mentally prepare, and he tells the 5SOS boys that he’s not feeling great (‘no, not like that, I think it’s just a cold, don’t worry’) and asks them to pass it on to Louis. He doesn’t have the guts to tell him himself, knows Louis will worry and ask all sorts of questions, but he needs some time to think, needs to get his own head straight before he can face this.

Paul calls for a catch up around lunchtime, and Liam tells him about the invitation, carefully leaves out the lead up to it. Paul tells him he’ll be fine, not to worry. He tells Liam he’ll keep his phone on him just in case, and to ring him if he needs anything.

So, when the day comes Liam dresses in his nicest jeans, spends an extra ten minutes on his hair, squares his shoulders and is on his way before he can back out.

When he knocks on Niall’s door its Zayn who greets him, Louis and Harry following him. ‘Niall’s in the kitchen,’ Zayn tells him as he takes Liam’s coat. It’s all far more grown up than anything they’d done before, ‘dinner together’ usually meaning ordering a few pizzas and watching TV in sweatpants. He and Harry hug Liam, careful not to crowd him, and when Louis reaches him he gives him a hopeful grin.

 

* * *

 

 

Liam gives him a half smile back and Louis is careful not to let the confusion show on his face. He’d spent the last few days worrying that he’d taken it too far the last time they’d seen each other, confused why Liam would send a message through Calum, but he’d tried to remind himself it was probably this dinner, Liam was probably just nervous. Still, he couldn’t help his heart dropping a little when Liam brushed past him, walking towards the kitchen. Zayn squeezes his shoulder as he walks past and Louis takes a breath, pushing his shoulder back and follows the others.

Conversation at dinner is stunted, and Louis thinks they might all be editing their words, searching for any connection to the past year that could steer them wrong before speaking.

It’s Harry who eventually breaches the topic, in a sort of round about way. ‘So, Liam, how’re you doing?’

Liam looks at him, seems to consider his response before saying anything. In the end he just says ‘Ok.’

Harry nods, and goes back to eating. There’s silence again, and then Zayn says ‘must be good to be home.’

Liam nods. ‘Yeah.’

Back to eating.

Niall asks him about the movie and that starts a more fruitful conversation, but in the end that too filters out into awkward silences.

‘We missed you, Liam,’ Niall says suddenly.

Liam snorts. ‘I’m sure you did.’

‘Hey, we’re trying.’ Harry says, defending Niall, and Louis closes his eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

Liam’s not sure where the sheer amount of anger that surges through him comes from. Maybe it’s a release of the tension building up to this, maybe it’s always been there, but right now it doesn’t matter. Liam’s seeing red.

‘You’re trying,’ he spits. ‘You’re fucking trying.’

‘Liam,’ Louis’ voice is quiet, careful, but Liam ignores it.

‘I wonder what that feels like, _trying_. I really can’t imagine.’ His voice is pure venom. He’s not really sure where it’s coming from but it’s all coming out now. There’s no stopping it, and Liam wouldn’t want to if he could. ‘Do you have any idea how long I tried? Any idea? Don’t give me that trying bullshit. I owe you nothing. Do you think it was fun in that hospital, having every move monitored? Think it was a barrel of laughs, trying to kill myself? I had to lie there listening to you every night, _praying_ to be invisible, praying that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. You had each other, I had nobody. All it would have taken was one fucking word, from any of you, but even that was below you. None of you even _noticed_. I literally didn’t want to exist, and you want to tell me I’m making this _difficult_ for you? Want to show up with your food and your wine and tell me how good it is to see me, how much you missed me? You can fuck right off. I couldn’t give less of a shit how you feel. You want to be all saintly, coming here and looking after me, talking to each other in hushed voices and treating me like I’m made of china. I am not weak.’ He’s shouting now, feeling it rip through his body. ‘I am _not weak_. Don’t you _dare_ try to tell me you’re trying.’ He takes a deep breath, and then says with deadly calm. ‘I owe you nothing.’ With that he strides out of the room, grabbing his coat and slamming the door behind him. He stalks down the road, hands in his pockets and head down, his head spinning. A few moments later the sound of running footsteps approach behind him and he doesn’t look up, just keeps walking as Louis’ shoes come into his view. Louis doesn’t say anything, just falls into step with him.

They’re silent all the way back to Liam’s, Louis probably too scared to say anything, but the physical expression of his anger paired with emotional exhaustion of baring his soul has taken it out of him.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis narrowly dodges the slamming door. Once inside he turns around. Liam meets his eyes for a moment and then he just crumples. His body wracks with sobs, and he looks like he’s about to collapse. Louis catches him and holds him against his body, stroking his hair as the man falls apart in his hands. They slide down onto the floor together, and Louis just holds him, as the man’s cries begin to quiet, until he’s just heaving into Louis shoulder, his body still shaking.

‘Shh, Liam,’ Louis whispers. ‘Shh, you’re right, you’re right. I’m so, so sorry.’

Liam sobs and sobs, until eventually he falls asleep right there in Louis’ arms. Louis just sits there, cradles his body and lets his own, silent tears fall.

-*-

Louis wakes from his fitful sleep feeling like he’s going to vomit. There’s a flash of an image behind his eyes, of Liam in the back of the tour bus, his face gray and his eyes bruised, and Louis wrenches his eyes open. He looks down and Liam is still in his arms, his head in Louis' lap. There are still tear tracks on his face, and his hair is a mess from Louis’ fingers, but he looks more peaceful than Louis has seen him in a very long time. He carefully threads his hand through Liam’s hair, brushing it out with his fingers. When he attempts to clear the tearstains away, Liam stirs and Louis stills, waiting. Liam’s eyes flutter open and he barely moves, just turns his head so that he can look up at Louis. He still doesn’t say anything, but reaches up to wrap a hand around Louis wrist, turn it towards him and presses a feather light kiss to it.

‘I love you, Liam,’ Louis says, and Liam nods.

It’s enough.

He makes them tea, and they sit in the kitchen and drink it in silence. Louis takes Liam’s hand and he lets him. When the tea is long gone, and Liam has begun to relax into his surroundings, Louis looks at him, makes sure that Liam is looking back when he says ‘Do you want to talk.’

Liam shakes his head. ‘Not yet.’ It’s barely a croak, but Louis nods, and strokes the back of his hand on the table.

He leads them over to the sofa after a while, and lies Liam down, puts his head in his lap and strokes his hair. The man falls asleep, and Louis carries on stroking, pulls his phone out and sends a quick text.

_He’s ok._

It’s mere seconds before he gets a reply.

_Good._ Zayn

_Thanks._ Harry.

_I’m sorry._ Niall.

Louis doesn’t send anything more, places his phone down on the armrest, and tilts his head back, letting sleep consume him too.

-*-

It’s much later when he wakes, Liam’s shifting having pulled him into consciousness. The other man is sitting up, and Louis blinks, adjusting to the fading light.

‘Hi.’ Liam says. His voice is still croaky but he looks at Louis properly, and he looks tired but ok.

‘Hi.’ Louis says.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t you dare say that.’ Louis tells him fiercely. ‘You have nothing to apologise for.’

Liam just looks at him for a moment and then smiles weakly. ‘Thanks.’

Louis' phone pings at that moment, and both of them look down at it.

_Harry Styles_

_Please let him know we’d like to talk, whenever he’s ready._

Liam is reading it over his shoulder anyway, and so Louis just looks at him.

‘Tomorrow,’ Liam says, and his breath washes over Louis’ face.

‘Tomorrow.’ Louis repeats. They stare at each other for a moment, and then Liam is kissing him and Louis feels it in every inch of his body. He twists round, holding Liam’s face, and Liam wraps him in his arms and slowly inches him back onto the sofa. They lie there for a while, just holding each other and kissing and just drowning in each other, until Louis really needs to come up for air or he might faint.

He pulls away from Liam reluctantly, but the other man just settles his head against Louis’ chest, and Louis draws shapes on his back.

That night Louis takes him to bed, and Liam pulls him in with him, curls up to him and whispers ‘stay’ into his collar bone.

Louis does.

 

* * *

 

 

As promised, the boys are over the next day. Louis makes them all tea and they sit and they talk. Liam answers all their questions and the boys profess their apologies. Niall cries, Zayn gets up and paces a lot, and Harry stays very, very still. When they’re done there’s still a long way to go, but the air is noticeably lighter around them, and when Niall says ‘I missed you,’ Liam says ‘me too.’

 

* * *

 

 

_Two Years Later_

Louis wakes up to Liam nudging him. He opens his eyes to Liam’s big brown ones. The room is still dark and he glances over at the clock. 4:14. Liam doesn’t say anything, just looks at him.

‘One of those days, huh?’

Liam nods and curls himself tighter into Louis body. In response Louis holds him closer, and drops a kiss to his head, stroking his back and hushing him until the man next to him falls into an unsteady sleep.

It had taken a while for Liam to return back to ‘normal’, but he’d been a fighter, and he had the added support of the boys, both their band and 5SOS. Paul made sure to visit at least once a month to check in, and Louis wonders whether Liam realizes it’s because these people are so scared to lose him again. He had been steadily getting better, happier, and then the day with the rain came.

They had had beautiful weather for the last few weeks, but of course, it wouldn’t last. So, when the rain came Louis was not surprised. What did surprise him, however, was the noticeable effect it had on his boyfriend. It had been like looking at Liam from the tour, hunched up and barely speaking. Louis had just wrapped him in a blanket and brought him what little food he would eat. It carried on for a few days, until the rain stopped and the clouds began to clear. Suddenly, Liam was back. Getting up the morning the sun began to shine again and off to the gym before Louis could even process what had happened.

While the other man was gone Louis had done some research, scrolling through all sorts of articles until he came across one. _Seasonal Affective Disorder_ it read. Everything seemed to match, and so he read everything he could on it, watched videos and gained as much information as he could. When Liam returned, Louis sat down with him and asked him about it, explaining what he had found. Liam listened, and agreed to go with Louis to the doctor the next day.

The doctor had confirmed everything Louis had thought, and talked through some of the things Liam could do to help get through it. Louis had immediately gone out and bought a light box, and all sorts of vitamin C supplements, and they did help, but it was still a struggle. Initially Liam would grip Louis’ hand every time the sun would go in, but slowly they came to understand the triggers together, and it got a bit easier with time to preempt it and prepare.

Liam still saw a counselor every week, and now he had all sorts of mechanisms set up to help him get through the days when it was a little more difficult. His small army of supporters were always on call too, to make sure he never had to struggle alone.

Liam shifts against him, and Louis' pulled out of his reverie.

‘Love you.’ The man murmurs against his neck.

‘Love you too. So much.’

Louis drifts off to the soft sound of rain, and his love’s breathing.


End file.
